perhaps_another | Recent Entries

I've thought about starting up a newsletter, inspired by Brain Pickings and Warren Ellis' weekly newsletter Orbital Operations . But apparently, for MailChimp, you need to have a website. I do not have a website, nor do I really have the energy to create one.

So this will do.

I will try to write weekly, about the things I've read and watched. Or heard/listened to. I don't claim to be an essayist with grand ideas about interconnectedness. I wish I was though. I'm just a 37-year-old lady (pronouns: she/her) who misses LiveJournal and is living in a sort of isolation from friends. (Long story short, I fell; am out of work til October; moved in with my sister. And it's an hour drive from my friends and where I really want to be. Yes, an hour drive isn't far, but in NJ it is. Also, I hate driving)

I'm trying something new.
It is September after all.

A friend of mine committed suicide last week. I just found out now.

She just got accepted into a PhD program for English.

I'm shocked.
But not surprised.
She's been depressed her whole life.

I just thought that maybe, just maybe her PhD program would give her some hope and a reason to live just a touch longer.

Thinking about this all day.

And how I used to write.
And how I loved it.

And how my one kitten is running around my bedroom, chirping (because she doesn't meow) and bouncing off my bed (which she still can't really up too unless it is a running start)

And how other cat is probs eating because kitten isn't stealing his food. (since she is chirping and bouncing)

And how my nephew is 3. And my soon to be niece is named after my grandmother (we all cried when we found out today)

And how so much has happened
And how so much hasn't changed
And how so much did.

And how I really don't know how to process things.

And how i miss certain people.
And what we were.
and what we weren't.

And who are we now.
Where are we now.

So that happened.

I'm scared.
Nervous.

So I'm writing.
Here and there.
And the poetry too, that I thought I lost when Pat died.

(who's texts, which, if my phone is correct, I deleted. I thought about doing that anyway. Clearing the ghosts. I don't remember doing that though. Perhaps tipsy sleepy me did it. Strangely, I feel free. Give up the ghosts.)

I'm moving forwards, there's no where else for me to go. I'm tired of backwards.
I'm spending too much money on buying coffee out. The two americanos. Both toffee nut. Or just stuff from 7/11.

That's another thing. This Josh. The accidental one. The one that is still around. The one that gives me a safe space. (I haven't really slept at home for over a month. I'm just a visitor there now. Mostly guilty over my cat.) I've been so much less stressed. I didn't know how a person could be this nice. (I mean. to me. Apparently I've really dated some assholes. ) But at least I'm aware now and have the self esteem to know I fucking deserve this. No more pity party.

He's the best thing that happened last year.
And the best thing that has happened so far this year.

And even though I'm scared about the future in general,
I'm hopeful and safe and steady.

Watch on YouTube

Still debating on if I should go to the DC march, or the NYC one. I'm nervous about both. I'm excited about both.

I'm excited about my 3 days off. I'm nervous that I'm just gonna waste the time and not work on my writing, or my art; both of which I've been neglecting.

This space will help.
The public/private sector.
Vulnerability.

Ya know. without the russians.

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Perhaps Another Place

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